The Three Little Pigs

 

Many, many years before Goldilocks had her big adventure with the Bruin family, there was a family of pigs that lived in a grove in the middle of a wood near a village by a lake. These three pigs were named Kenan, Jared and Javan. Now most pigs were excellent plumbers, although a few were very courageous and fierce soldiers. If you know someone who has ever hunted boar, then they can tell you about just how fierce a boar, or a pig, can be.

Kenan was a ruddy little pig who was the first one to call when your drain was clogged. He was very efficient: sometimes it seemed like the drain was open before he got to your house, but that was just a joke to praise him. Jared was a white pig with a pink tail. He did everything to perfection. Jared was the one to call when you needed to have a sink or bathtub installed. When Jared installed a sink or bathtub it was a beautiful job. And Javan was the best plumber for connecting a pump to a well. Javan was a gray and black pig who tended to overdo things. For example, he would unstop all the drains, not just the one that was plugged, “Just in case,” he would say. And if Javan installed a bathtub it would be decorated, usually with stones, but he would use jewels if he could get them. There was, however, little he could overdo when connecting a well to a pump. What he did overdo made the pump work better, so everyone liked it when he installed a pump.

They had moved to the village after the plumber that lived there had passed away. He had been a very good plumber and had done excellent work, so no one needed plumbing repairs. And few residents clogged their drains because the former plumber had taught the villagers how to keep their drains open. Still, new construction and the antics of children gave the pigs enough work to feed themselves. But Kenan, Jared and Javan dreamed of being more than poor plumbers. They wanted to work hard and build a house.

Kenan wanted to build an adobe house. He listened to stories his Uncle Joab told about the wars. His uncle’s comments about adobe houses fascinated Kenan. When he learned that adobe could be colored he was sure an adobe house would be beautiful. He would top it with a thatch roof. He knew that some did not like thatch because it could burn, but thatch was watertight and, he thought, it would make a very pretty roof for his adobe house.

Jared wanted a pretty white house. He thought he could build it out of pine and oak. He would paint it white on the outside, but stain the inside to preserve the natural color of the wood. He liked the idea of wood so much that he thought he would make the roof of multicolored wooden tiles. His house would be white with a rainbow roof. Nothing would be prettier.

Javan liked the idea of a stone house. He had listened to his Grandmother tell stories, and in some of the stories the hero lived in a stone house with a tile roof. He imagined his stone house with a big fireplace. When it was cold and snowy or rainy he thought his fireplace would keep his house warm and dry.

But it was just dreams. The three pigs began to wonder if maybe they should take a hint from their Uncle Joab and become soldiers. To do that, they would have to go to the castle. Unfortunately, they were not sure where to find the king’s castle. Uncle Joab had not talked much about the castle. It was many leagues distant, that was for sure. It would be easy to get lost trying to find it. Returning to their original town was not wise, either. There were too many cousins, all plumbers. That was why they had moved to this village. So they just stayed in their grove and did the little plumbing the village needed. At least they had food to eat. And they were safe.

One day the village was buzzing with excitement. The King was going to build a summer castle on the lake. This meant lots of work for stone masons, carpenters and plumbers, not to mention bakers and fishermen and taverns. Everyone was happy. Happiest was Haman the banker.

Haman howled for joy when he learned the news. He also howled because he was a wolf. Most bankers were wolves. Who would rob a bank if the banker was a wolf?

He was happy for two reasons. First, everyone would deposit all their money in his bank. But more important, Haman owned all the land near the place where the new summer castle would be built. He would build houses on the land and rent the houses to the King’s servants and soldiers. And he would get rich.

There was one thing that was a huge annoyance. The land that the three little pigs owned was right in the middle of the land he had purchased. See, Haman had learned about the King’s plans from a cousin who was a banker for the King. When Haman tried to purchase the land, only the pigs would not sell. Haman would not offer them a decent price and they had no other place to go. Finally, Haman decided that he would just build all around the little pig’s woods.

Still, Haman brooded over the woods. The surveyor he had hired pointed out that the grove in the woods would make a wonderful park. Haman could charge a higher rent with that park next to his houses. But there was nothing he could do. He didn’t have enough money to pay the price the pigs needed so they could buy another place to live. Anyway, he realized that the pigs were not going to build houses. They seemed to enjoy living in the grove. So, he could rent his houses and say nothing about the woods. His renters would just assume it was not going to be developed. That was true enough: it would not be developed by him.

But Haman was wrong. The people living in his houses did not like it when the pigs washed their clothes and hung them up in the trees to dry. Plus, the pigs had gotten used to living away from everyone. They didn’t always wear all their clothes. And they piled up plumbing supplies. The place looked like pigs lived there. It was a messy place; just exactly what you would expect if three plumbers lived in a grove of trees, only these were pigs, so it was even more so.

Now Kenan, Jared and Javan didn’t know any of this. The banker had offered to buy their property, but they couldn’t afford to sell it. Later, when the news of the King’s new summer castle spread through the village, the pigs figured out why Haman had wanted to buy their land.

And then they were too busy to think about it. They were the only plumbers in the village and they were working hard. First, they had to work on the houses Haman was building. Then they had to work in the castle. Then they had to do both. There was little time to wash clothes or cook; so they hired a maid and a chef. The wall they built to hide their growing store of plumbing supplies proved inadequate. Instead of cutting down more trees, they built a warehouse up the hill behind the castle. Then they hired a gardener. He expanded their flower garden, planted vegetables, pruned the fruit trees and built a trail through the woods. All the residents of the houses Haman was renting were very happy.

Finally, the work of building the summer castle came to an end. All the sinks, bathtubs and toilets were installed. But the building was far from done. All the land on the far side of the castle had been purchased by the knights and noblemen. These dukes and earls wanted to build their summer palaces too. Eventually the building was done.

Kenan, Jared and Javan looked at their grove and sighed. Everybody in the village had a nice place to live. Everyone but them. Kenan was the first one to pull out the old drawings he had made of the little adobe house he had wanted. He looked at it and, thinking of the wonderful palaces that the barons and knights had, he sighed wistfully. Then he looked at his brothers and said, “I don’t care what the knights and dukes live in. I still want my little adobe house.”

Jared turned and looked at him, “Yeah, and I still want my little white house.” Javan agreed. He still wanted his little stone house. So they stayed up all night discussing the situation.

The next day Jared hired a surveyor, Javan engaged an architect and Kenan directed the gardener to help clear the land. And the tenants of Haman’s houses called on him to complain about the loss of the grove.

But it’s our land!” the three little pigs shouted in unison. They were so dismayed to see the villagers carrying signs that read, “Save Our Grove!” and “Protect Our Trees!” and “Save The Spotted Wren!” and even “The Pigs Hate Nature!” and other signs with similar slogans.

Kenan said, “They didn’t care about the rest of the woods when their houses were built.”

Javan said, “They didn’t care about the environment when the King built his summer castle.”

Jared said, “Yeah, but now they see what they lost.”

Haman offered to buy the woods and make it a park. It would be named in their honor. But he offered them even less than before. “Well,” he said, “I’m doing this to keep the peace. It’s going to cost me and I can’t make any money on the grove. And it will get you out of trouble with the villagers.”

You old coot!” Javan hollered at him. “You stirred up the whole village. You want the grove. You’ve always wanted the grove. Well, we’re not selling.”

Jared and Kenan agreed.

The banker was even more shrewd than the pigs realized. He chained himself to a tree. The three pigs realized that the villagers saw them as the bad guys and the wolf as the good guy. People who had been reluctant to put their money in Haman’s bank now did so. No one would call on the pigs to do any plumbing.

The three little pigs were not stupid. They did not want to destroy the grove, just build their houses in it. They knew that Haman had everyone so upset that no one would listen to them. It took a week for the villagers to calm down. The place they wanted to build their houses was the place they had stored their plumbing supplies. A wall had been built around it to keep unwanted visitors out and to hide the supplies. To silence the protests they moved all the construction equipment inside the wall and began to build their houses.

Not everyone was against the pigs. There were many residents who had sold their property to the banker and later regretted it. They knew what Haman was doing. Some of the carpenters and stone masons were more than happy to work for the three pigs. So it wasn’t too long before the houses were built. And then they took the wall down.

Haman was furious. With the three houses already built he knew he couldn’t force the pigs off the land. Jealousy and envy began to eat at Haman. He owned all the land around the woods. And he had made offer after offer to buy it. It was the pigs who were stubborn and greedy. They knew what the land was worth, especially since it was the only grove in the whole village. All the firewood had to be brought in from the forest, except what the pigs grew in the grove and the woods that surrounded it. Haman’s greed ate at his heart. He thought about the grove and gardens in the little wood. The gardens could be expanded. He could charge for access to the gardens. He could…he could do nothing. He had to get the pigs evicted from the grove.

The old wolf of a banker huffed and puffed around his den. He took a book from the shelf and tried to study it. Then he closed it, put it back and huffed and puffed some more. Then he took another book from the shelf. He huffed and puffed and studied his books and huffed and puffed and studied his books and soon it was three in the morning. It’s a good thing he was a banker and kept bankers hours: he was almost late in opening the bank. But he was in a dark, foul mood. He nearly bit off the heads of his tellers. His vice president, Wiley Coyote, resigned, saying he was moving to the desert. And that ruddy little Kenan withdrew the rest of his money, saying he was going to invest in the stock market. Haman stomped around the bank, huffing and puffing and that he would somehow blow those houses down.

Finally he heard himself. Well, he couldn’t blow houses down. He was a wolf, not a tornado. He sat down in the big easy chair he put clients in when he was going to trick them. He had closed many a deal plying the occupant of this chair with brandy and cigars.

He poured himself a glass of brandy and lit a nice cigar. The brandy and the cigar helped him calm down. The little white pig’s wooden house was not much of a problem. Jared had used some big steel pins to hold the four sides of his house together. All Haman had to do was pull out the big steel pins and when anything fell on it, the house would fall. Kenan’s house was different. Adobe wouldn’t blow down. But the roof would burn and that would be enough. Javan was another matter entirely. He always overdid everything. The fireplace was a prime example: the chimney was big enough, so Javan said, for three Santas to come down. The walls of the house must have been two feet thick. Not even the King’s castle was fortified like that. He could destroy two houses for sure, but he didn’t know how to get rid of the third one. Maybe there was another way.

His thoughts kept returning to the environment issue. It had almost worked before. No one realized the pigs were building their houses behind that wall. After they tore the wall down they said they were not going to do any more building, but keep the grove, gardens and the little wood just as it was. That was the key. The villagers were satisfied that the environment of the little wood was safe. He just needed to change that idea.

About a week later the pigs found out that their neighbors, Haman’s tenants, were coming into the little wood and cutting down trees for firewood. This was not a good thing, as the little wood was not big enough to supply all the firewood they needed. So the pigs called a village meeting to discuss what could be done. Haman howled for joy when he heard about it, because he had made the suggestion to his tenants that they could get firewood very easily from the pig’s woods.

The mayor called the meeting to order. Kenan and Jared reported the firewood problem and offered a solution. They would charge the going rate for imported firewood. Villagers could get their firewood from the great forest and not from the little wood, since it would be cheaper.

Haman jumped up and began to question the pigs. He twisted their words to make it look like the pigs wanted to make huge profits from the little wood. He made it sound like the pigs were not good custodians of the little wood. And he suggested that the village elders select a committee to oversee the wood and protect it. Suddenly, the pigs realized that Haman was going to be the chairman of the Council for the Protection of the Little Wood: the CPLW. Haman was asking that he be named the Warden of the Littlewood and Forest or WoLF.

The pigs panicked. They ran back to their home and started building a strong fence to protect their property. They also refused to allow anyone on their property, for firewood or any other reason.

Everyone began to be angry with the pigs. They marched around with banners that said, “Save our Little Wood” and “Pigs are pigs” and “The Grove and Garden for our Children.” The newspaper printed stories from environmentalists which told about how the Little Wood was the last refuge of the spotted wren and a haven for other small creatures.

It was Javan who came up with the idea that might save them. He called some environmentalists to come visit them. He also had the newspaper editor join them. The environmentalists looked at what the pigs were doing to preserve the Little Wood. They approved of the fence, saying it would help protect the Wood. They approved of the way the pigs were managing the grove. They also offered some advice as to how to make things work better. The pigs agreed to their ideas. The editor printed all of this in the next edition. Then the villagers stopped being so upset.

At the next village meeting the pigs reported on their activities and asked that they be named the CPLW. They did not need a WoLF. That position should be changed to the Protectors in the Grove or PIGs.

Haman had lost his battle. Haman had lost the Little Wood and the Grove. He was furious. But this time he did not go home and sit in his den and huff and puff and look at books. This time he did not yell at the bank employees. This time he did not sit in the easy chair and drink brandy. This time he went to the little pigs’ grove.

The pigs were in the village making plans with the environmentalists and the village elders. They didn’t even notice that Haman was not around. Haman climbed over the fence and went to Jared’s house. He pulled out the big steel pins that held up the walls and the roof. Then he crawled up on top of Javan’s house and waited.

When the pigs came home they didn’t suspect anything. Kenan went into his house and started to fix some supper. Haman came to his door and hollered, “Little Pig, Little Pig, let me come in!”

Kenan looked out the window and saw Haman. He also saw murder in Haman’s eyes. “Not by the hair of my chinny-chin chin” he stammered.

Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll burn your house down.” With that, Haman climbed back up on Javan’s house and began to shoot fire arrows into Kenan’s roof. It quickly caught on fire. Kenan ran to Jared’s house.

Jared!” he hollered, “Haman’s set my house on fire!”

Jared let him in just before Haman bellowed, “Little Pigs, Little Pigs, let me come in!”

This time Jared stammered, “Not by the hair of my chinny-chin chin”.

Haman bellowed, “Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll knock your house down!”

Jared looked up and saw that the pins had been pulled out. He grabbed Kenan and they ran to Javan’s house. Haman had climbed back up on Javan’s roof and began to throw rocks at Jared’s house. It quickly fell down. But Jared and Kenan were safe inside Javan’s stone house.

Haman again bellowed to the pigs, “Little Pigs, Little Pigs, let me come in!”

This time Javan stammered, “Not by the hair of my chinny-chin chin”.

Haman bellowed, “Then I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down!” He quickly began to beat on the door.

Now the pigs were scared. Even though there were three of them, Haman was a very big wolf. He might even kill one of them before the others could stop him. So they pushed furniture up against the door.

This was part of Haman’s plan. He wanted them to block the door so they couldn’t get out. Then he would jump down the big chimney and attack the pigs.

But Haman had forgotten about Javan. Javan always overdid everything. And tonight Javan overdid building a fire to roast his beets with garlic. He had build a fire big enough to roast a beet the size of an elephant!

Now, because the chimney and the fireplace were so very big, Haman didn’t realize just how big the fire in the fireplace really was. So, when Haman jumped down the chimney to attack the pigs, he was very badly burned.

It took the pigs a good long time, but they did manage to get Haman to the village doctor. Haman was burned all over, but his left foot was severely burned. It took many weeks his burns to heal.

The village elders forced Haman to pay for rebuilding the pig’s houses. And the village sent for Wiley the Coyote to come and manage the bank until Haman got better. But Haman never did get better. He was rather quiet in the mental hospital, but if someone mentioned “pigs” he would go berserk.

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